How am I supposed to slow down when I already feel left behind?
It’s kinda ironic how I often tell others it’s okay to take their time and even help them find answers through other people’s stories, but when it comes to myself, it feels almost impossible.
But what does slowing down even look like?
How do I even slow down?
Or rather… What part of my life needs to slow down? And what part needs more attention?
These are questions I find difficult to answer even now.
And I wonder if they will ever be answered. But one can at least try… Right?
A PERSONAL LOOK AT WHERE I’M AT
For context, and maybe I’ll regret saying this later as I grow older… but I’ve recently just turned 25.
Yes, just one more year before Leonardo DiCaprio finds me too old… not that he knows who I am, really.
Anyways, thanks to the digital age, it’s easy to keep tabs on everyone from university, high school… heck, even preschool!
Yes, even if we don’t talk anymore. And though the easiest solution would be to “disconnect,” I find that I haven’t reached that stage of enlightenment where I won’t feel FOMO… though I’m pretty close to it (I think).
Out of my friends, and maybe I’m just surrounded by really amazing people, but they’ve already started buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, oh gosh… even having a BABY!
I feel as though my younger self would be shocked to know that I am indeed not where I want to be at my very ripe age.
But I think she’d also be shocked to hear I’ve lived in three different countries and travelled to more.
That I didn’t become an engineer…
And that I started this project.
I guess, when I put her perspective in the picture, I slowly realize that maybe, I am not THAT behind…
Because I’m sure she would’ve been proud.
NO ONE ACTUALLY KNOWS EVERYTHING
Me telling myself “I feel left behind” is an unnecessary timeline that I’ve put on myself and, selfishly, others.
What does it mean to be “ahead”?
Not to be morbid, but how can you put a timeline on something when you don’t know when the deadline is?
We don’t know when we’ll die.
You can buy a house today, be “ahead,” and then die tomorrow… and suddenly, you’re behind again… or rather, below. (Sorry, morbid.)
But seriously, who gets to determine whether you’re ahead or behind?
I think this is the same reason why, if you ask any good financial advisor how much money you should have in your bank account, they’ll most likely say, “It depends on your lifestyle.”
Once again, emphasizing that we must just mind our own business!
MY GENERATION’S BLESSING AND CURSE: THE INTERNET
Thanks to the internet, we have had immediate access to anything we wanted and want.
Whether that’s something materialistic that we want to own or something more personal, like stories we can relate to or even advice.
The world literally feels like it’s within our reach.
But at the same time, it almost feels overwhelming… and sometimes you start to wonder:
Who am I?
What do I really like… without other people’s reviews or opinions?
Are these thoughts truly my own? Or was I nudged to think this way?
Heck, sometimes you even start to diminish your own successes and gaslight yourself into thinking that your life isn’t that bad because someone out there has it worse.
But I find that a little condescending... both to yourself and the person you’re comparing yourself to.
Do we need to have the worst life possible to finally feel empathy towards ourselves?
If our lives are so different, how can we compare ourselves to others?
How does one distinguish empathy from a victim mentality?
Some good questions… I have no answers to lol. But some food for thought ;)
Sometimes, because everything can be easily defined or searched for on the internet, it’s almost hard to find who you truly are… because that’s not something you can simply search up.
But how lucky am I to be burdened by such a gift? The freedom to choose who I can be?
Sometimes I get caught in an awful loop of comparing myself to others → being in the “if they can do it, I can do it” mentality → burnout → comparing myself to others.
And though I see absolutely no problem in being inspired by other people’s work, I find that I start shaping what “success” looks like based on what other people have, rather than what I want.
And when I do want something, sometimes I don’t have the time, resources, or simply the energy to achieve it within the timeline I’ve set... based on THEIR timeline.
But heck, who’s keeping time, if not me?
I read this quote… “Exerting 100% of your effort when you’re injured does more harm than good.”
And once more, I am thankful for the gift of the internet. To be able to have access to wisdom when I needed it most.
Honestly, I feel as though I still haven’t completely figured it out. And no, it’s not fun, it’s not exciting, and it’s DEFINITELY something I want to skip… I feel as though my pants are on fire.
But as the famous quote goes: If your pants are on fire.... you have to stop, drop, and roll.
And that’s fine. Eventually, I’ll figure out how to walk despite all the burn marks this chapter of my life is putting me through… eventually.
PRACTICAL THINGS I DO THAT HELP ME “RECHARGE”
Though I have more thoughts on burnout, I think I’ll keep it there for today. Instead, I want to share some practical resources and practices that have helped me recharge and “fill my cup.”
For the longest time, I didn’t know how to properly “rest.”
I thought this simply meant sleeping or not doing anything, maybe going for a light walk?
But ever since I watched this video, my whole thinking about rest has completely changed.
I recommend giving it a watch.
Here's the link: https://youtu.be/CwhUi9A8LeE?si=nYUJ-m8wAlgOFDDn
After you watch that video you'll better understand by what I mean when I say: I have decided that climbing, random arts and crafts stuff like embroidery, and running are some ways I "recharge".
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. I’ll see you next month.
With lots of care,
Samantha Iligan
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